


My Anaconda Do

by theimaginesyouneveraskedfor



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Funny, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 10:54:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6114305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theimaginesyouneveraskedfor/pseuds/theimaginesyouneveraskedfor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reader cannot help but serenade the King Under the Mountain though her musical tastes leave much to be desired.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Anaconda Do

You had yet to understand the intricacies of this foreign land; no cells phone, no television, not even a car. Your feet were in agony from the endless trek with the company of both surly and silly dwarves, the whimsical hobbit, and the wise wizard. You had not thought this reality but you had failed to wake yourself.

The wind was fierce and you struggled to keep your cloak from flapping vigorously in the gales. You were sure you would be blown over at anytime. The sky was gray and menacing and the sun would be hidden behind the horizon soon enough. You could only hope that you would set up camp sooner than that.

You stared listlessly at the boots of Bofur who walked in front of you, his footsteps were your personal guide. You began to count them and you continued across the muddy grass, nearly walking into his back as the rest of the company came to a halt.

“We’ll set up camp here,” Thorin’s voice boomed from ahead and you silently thanked him.

A wall of tall stones formed an arch where you joined the rest in putting the tents up, though your partners, Kili and Fili were more interested in fighting each other with the poles. You finally convinced them to stick them where they belonged after threatening to stick them somewhere much less pleasant.

You stood beside the brothers as they looked up at their, or rather your, work proudly. You could not help a grin though; they reminded you of your friend Danielle who would often make the rudest jokes. Not that you were not one to laugh at even the worst puns.

You stood with your hands on your hips looking across the camp at the other tents, Bombur was setting up his pot over the fire and Dwalin sat with his ax still gripped tightly in his hands. A shadow moved to your left and you turned just as Thorin neared, he looked more dour than usual.

He began to walk by without a word, ignoring your glance and you were tempted to just retire for the night. That man was the most sullen person you had ever known. Though he did have a nice butt… _Shit_ , you were looking again.

“Oh my god,” The words came out unintentionally; it was an old joke you and Danielle used to make, “Kili,” You nudged him, “Look at his butt. It is so big.” You finished with an exaggerated scoff.

You giggled hysterically as Kili and Fili grimaced in repulsion and Thorin turned suddenly to find you still pointing directly at his butt..or where it used to be. Now your finger was aimed directly as his other part. You lowered you arm, your laughter died but you could not help yourself from going on.

“I like big butts and I cannot lie,” You began to mimic the rappers you had seen in the music videos, waving your arms like a G, “You other brothers can’t deny.” You pointed to the Durin brothers who looked back stunned. “That when a guy walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung!”

You crossed your arms and posed like the star you were, though everyone stared as if you had gone mad. Thorin looked mortified. You should have stopped there but you had gone too far, you could not leave them without a grand finale.

“My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hun!” You made the crudest gestures alluding to Thorin’s round backside, “Ungh.” You grunted with a very unflattering thrust, “Double up, ungh-ungh.”

The worst silence you had ever experienced fell over the camp and you just stood frozen, your hand still pointing to your hips. Thorin’s eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly open, you could not tell if it was anger or pure shock. Balin looked just as awed, Dwalin’s ax slipped from his hands with a soft thump. Bofur was clutching the sides of his hat and Bombur couldn’t seem to remove the spoon from his mouth.

Your mind was completely blank but for the lyrics of ‘Baby Got Back’ and your breath was ragged. You were finally shaken from your trance as laughter rumbled from behind you. You turned to Kili and Fili who were doubled over, Fili fell down onto the ground, holding his sides. You could not help but join in as you realized how completely mental you must have seemed.

You covered your mouth desperately fighting for control, turning back to the camp as dwarves tried to resume their former activities. The air was still ripe with awkwardness though and Thorin still stared, you thought perhaps you had broken him. His mouth closed slowly and he turned silently on his heel and you no longer felt like laughing. You watched him walk away to his tent and noticed how his hands reach behind him as if to cover his behind. Another giggled bubbled within you but your fear kept it at bay.

* * *

That night as Kili and Fili begged you to teach them the lyrics to Sir Mix-A-Lot, you couldn’t help but feel foolish. You could not explain what had come over you. You just had the need. Unable to get comfortable on your bedroll, you punched the dirt with a grunt of pain.

“What is your problem, [Y/N]?” Fili asked as you pushed yourself to your feet.

“Are we going to get another show?” Kili smirked menacingly.

“I need some air,” You muttered before ripping through the tent flap.

You stood outside the tent, pacing though the dirt and kicking up tufts of sparse grass. You looked around the camp, most of the tents were already dark. You should have been sleeping but you could not settle yourself. As you let your eyes span the camp once more, you saw the flickering light through a slit in Thorin’s tent.

You figured he was still awake, though you hoped it wasn’t because you had traumatized him. You dragged your feet across the ground, your stomach telling you to go back and your mind joining in the chorus. Yet, you were driven by that part you which had had you rapping in front of the whole camp.

“Hmm,” You cleared your throat, “Thorin?” You asked, only silence met you. You closed your eyes and stepped back, ready to go back to the brothers.

“[Y/N],” Thorin pulled his tent flap down, the candle light limned his broad shoulders, “What is it?”

“Uh,” His voice made you nervous, he sounded less than happy, “I’m sorry, I should have waited until the morning.”

“Well, you are here,” He said sternly which made you looked down at your boots.

“Look, I am sorry for the whole episode,” You mumbled.

“Are you apologizing to me or the dirt?” He asked and you looked up, embarrassed.

“I am sorry, okay?” This was not going well, “I did not mean to offend you, it is only a song. I don’t even know why I did it.”

He looked at you silently, his eyes bore into you, making you squirm. “Come on, you can explain it inside.” His voice had lost some of its edge.

You stepped into the tent he had to himself, his bedroll was untouched, a candle burned low, though it was still rather bright. You stood awkwardly as he sat down on his bedroll, crossing his legs. He no longer wore his chain mail or his fur-trimmed cloak, his tunic hung loosely from his shoulder.

“Sit down,” He frowned and motioned to the other end of his bedroll.

“You see,” You began as you sat on the bed roll, your legs stretched out in front of you, “What that was—was me rapping? Which would not be something that you have heard of because it is not of your world. I was just trying to gain some street cred, dawg.” The words spilled out and you immediately regretted them. You didn’t even know why you had said them. “I am stupid, okay?” You replied to his stony silence, “I do weird things and I do not think before I do those things.” You hung your head, heat rising in your cheeks.

“So, were you looking at my rear because you’re weird?” His voice surprised you and you looked up.

“No, I looked at it because–” You stopped yourself and cringed, “I mean, I was not looking at your butt.” You lied with a nervous laugh.

“[Y/N],” He grinned and you lifted a brow, “Tell the truth.”

“If I have to explain it, than yeah, it’s probably because I’m weird,” You threw your hands up in resignation, “I’m a weird pervert who likes butts.”

Another silence surrounded you and you cringed at yourself, wishing that the ground would just swallow you up. There would be butts in purgatory right?

“Well, you would not be the only one.” His tone was gravelly as he kept his voice low.

“What?” You said, unsure of what was happening.

“I cannot say that I never–” This time his cheeks went pink, “You are a woman and you have certain…curves.”

“Thorin Oakenshield,” You exclaimed, now you were blushing too.

“I am not the only one here leering at innocent behinds,” He retorted playfully.

“Ain’t nothing innocent about that bodacious booty,” _Oh my god, why did you say that?_

He laughed deeply at your words, throwing his head back in delight. “You are something else.”

“Oh god,” You covered your face with your hands.

“[Y/N],” His hand gently pulled yours away from your face, “You needn’t be so bashful.”

“I think I have more than enough reason to be,” You replied painfully.

“Well, maybe if you would stop talking for one second, you wouldn’t,” His lips were closer to yours and your eyes went wide against your will, “And maybe close your eyes, too.”

His mouth met yours and you could only sit in stunned silence. Admittedly, you had dreamed of this and woken up with uncleansed guilt. You responded to his kiss once you were sure this was not another fantasy and were glad that you could not say any thing else so foolish. 

You ran your hand softly down his back as his own hugged your waist. You dared to let your hand go low and lightly pinched his butt, causing him to pull back from you.

“My anaconda do.” You smirked before pulling him back to you.


End file.
